Conscious uncoupling is all very well if you’re rich, famous and can afford to have any amount of work done to make sure that you continue to look an ever so lightly airbrushed 30-something well into your sixties. However, for most of us, throwing ourselves back into the dating game once we’ve lapped the big Four Zero a few times can be slightly more daunting. While life allegedly begins at forty it can feel more like a big four uh-oh if you find that you’re youngish, free and single again. So how do and where do you start?
Age Related Issues
Dating is dating whatever age you are but for most of us into who are now thirty-and-some (by a good ten years) there are some very specific issues. The issues can be different for men and women while more and more today both species face the same problems. Simply joining the over 40 dating site nearest to you is not always as simple as it seems.
Confidence Failing?
If you’re dating again in your forties, fifties, sixties or nineties, the chances are that you’ve previously been married or partnered. Divorce or death of a partner always has a big impact and coping with loss and grief can take time. Give yourself time to recover from the loss and build your confidence, rather than start flicking through the dating ads on your smart phone before the decree absolute has arrived. Years of marriage/partnership culminating in rejection or loss can severely damage your self-confidence, which means dating choices can be made on a false and negative basis.
Enjoy Being Single
Counter intuitive as it may seem it can be important to enjoy being yourself, having your independence and pleasing yourself. For those who’ve married for much of their 20s and 30s re-discovering who you are can be an important step when it comes to dating again. A number of things conspire to erode our personalities in the earlier parts of lives, from partners, to kids, to careers. While it’s not socially acceptable to be single it can be an awful lot of fun; spend some time on treating yourself and getting to know yourself again and ignore the social convention that decrees if you’re single you don’t exist. Keep a note of how often your still-married friends complain about their other-halves compared to how often you complain about being single, you might be surprised. The crucial part of learning to be single is that it helps to rid you of that (perceived) air of desperation should you start dating again, while developing your own interests can give you more to talk about with potential partners than what happened on the school run.
The Kids
Many of those dating over forty will have some of these to think about; if you’re lucky they’ll have moved out, or off to university, but with more people starting families later in life it’s possible you’ve some smaller ones lingering around the house. Men are notoriously shy of commitment, especially when it comes to somebody else’s kids, but women too may feel nervous at the thought of a host of potential step-kids. After all, the ‘wicked stepmother’ stereotype is ubiquitous in our culture (there’s no such thing as a wicked step-father, of course) and it’s a mantle that many women are nervous of shouldering. In terms of the kids themselves it’s important to keep them in the loop about who you’re dating and don’t be afraid to be honest about kids when dating. There’s no point in finding Mr or Mrs right, if they disappear across the horizon the moment they see a baby seat in the back of your car (or the moment your kids try to kill them).
That First Date, Second Time Round
So, having learned to love yourself and steeled yourself to admitting that you’ve got some smaller versions of yourself back home and accepting loss or divorce, you’re ready to start dating again. The first date will be arguably the hardest but the trick with it and any subsequent dates, is to relax. Treat the date more as an opportunity to make a new friend and do your best to enjoy your date’s company. Unfortunately that can be an uphill struggle (of the Everest type) with some dates but don’t be disheartened. If a date goes badly it can be all too easy to blame yourself and not the characterless, tedious verging on ridiculous person you’ve just wasted an evening on! Being relaxed helps with the next crucial aspect to dating – being yourself. You and said date will both be nervous, which is understandable; by being yourself you’ll not only come across as honest but you’ll help to put them at their ease. Relaxed, friendly and approachable is the key to a successful date. Success doesn’t mean four dates and a wedding, it simply means that you both enjoy the night, if it leads to more in the longer term, that’s a plus, but don’t focus on anything longer term than the here and now, for now at least!
