Warning: This post contains explicit language, triggers, and all that jazz … but if I don’t get this shit off my chest as to why I am disappointed, angry, and raging against the world – I’m going to be on the news my damn self.
I cannot pinpoint exactly what is causing my anger. It is a cumulation of just everything going on in my life right now, and it has been building for the past few months. I am literally at my breaking point and when I do finally snap, God help whomever happens to be around me when I do.
Bills Out the Arse, Still No Car, and a Cantankerous Old Fart for a Husband
The end of COVID protections – and bills coming due that are in the thousands and being the only one paying them. My car was totaled in an accident in January (mechanical failure) and not having a vehicle of my own and having to listen to ‘The Man Thing’ bitch and complain that he has to do without his 25+ year old truck (which I have been ‘allowed’ to use till I get something of my own) and drive his brand new truck back and forth to work. Bitch please. I pay his damn car note every month … he pays my half of the rent for that pay period. Did I mention he makes about $18,000 more a year also? Yet I have to pay his phone bill every month, and the gas, the water, sewage and trash bill, my phone bill, buy groceries, clean the house, keep the GROWN ADULT CHILDREN in line … and HIS damn dog is old and pissing all over the floors. At least HE cleans THAT up.
No Money Left
Tired of my paycheck being gone within 24 hours after hitting my account and then having to wait another 15 days for another one. I mean hell, I think I did a BETTER job of surviving day-to-day without a job!
Tired of not being able to keep my monthly medicine filled. Tired of feeling as though I am just STUCK in this never-ending loop. The ONLY bright spot in my week is when I (a) get to leave this house and go to work in the morning and (b) have my granddaughter, Aubree, spend the weekend here every week. That’s it. Those are my happy moments.
How effing sad is that?
If I could afford it – I’d be a raging alcoholic. I’m drinking a Bahama Mama right now because I happened to be able to pick up 4 of them on sale when I got paid. Now I’m down to 1 left. Gotta keep that one for next week when I’m ready to implode. At least I’m a happy drunk. I drink, play The Sims, and then go to sleep … and wake up in the morning and start the same old b.s. all over again.
Daughter Moves and Nobody Tells Me
I’m pissed that my daughter moved to Tennessee and none of my family and friends who interact with her regularly even bothered to tell me. She’s disowned me but WTF-ever, she’s still my daughter. I should – at the very least – know that she doesn’t effing live in the same STATE anymore. What if I wanted to go out to her house to talk to her? Do you know how utterly effed up it would be to knock on the door I thought was hers and have some stranger answer it? The bitch of it is, that is exactly what I was planning on doing. I miss her. She can hate my guts all she wants for whatever reason real or imagined … the least anyone could have done was told me she didn’t live here anymore.
Work Crap
I love the people I work with, but I don’t love my job anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so freaking grateful to even HAVE a job after all these years of NOT having one, but it doesn’t CHALLENGE me anymore – if that makes sense. A few months ago I was switched to handling two attorneys instead of just one, and now I just go through the motions of doing secretarial stuff. I’m not CHALLENGED at work anymore. I don’t have to THINK to do what I do. Type, scan, copy, mail. That’s it. When I was working for just one attorney I was able to do med summaries and spreadsheets, and type up draft discovery responses and do file reviews. Now we have another paralegal who does all of that and I just type letters and send them out. Where’s the fucking fun in that?!? I mean really, let me do some investigative work or SOMETHING.
The Henrico Sheriff’s Department Killed Irvo Otieno
I’m pissed that our Henrico Police Department effing killed a man who was having a MENTAL CRISIS and just didn’t even CARE. I’ve had family members in very similar situations that could have happened to. If you haven’t heard about this – although I find it hard that you have not since it made National news – you can click here to read up on what’s happening. My heart goes out to the Otieno family and their friends. I am just sick to my heart that another person is dead because of some stupid ass people.
Death Just Sucks
My sons’ friends seem to be dying left and right from overdoses or crazy accidents. My youngest doesn’t even bother celebrating his birthday anymore. Both of his grandmothers died around his birthday. One the day of and the other we laid to rest on his birthday. He was a pallbearer at her funeral. How do I make him feel better with THOSE memories?
My Uncle Tom died Christmas Day and I wanted to go to his memorial service to pay my respects because he was such an awesome dude right up to the very end. His smile was infectious, you couldn’t help but smile and laugh when he was around. Unfortunately, no car, couldn’t do that either. Damn it to all hell.
God Left Me High and Dry
I just feel like God is failing me somehow. Hell, I haven’t talked to Him in forever either. Maybe that’s part of the problem. I’ve lost touch with my faith and just don’t feel grounded any longer. I feel as though I don’t have a purpose. And I know, don’t tell me “God only gives you what you can handle.” I’m full up and overflowing. I can’t handle anymore, okay? Enough! Give me a break.
Blog Bull Crap
Don’t even get me started on THIS. Not only did my domain and page authority drop damn near 20 points each – I have absolutely no freaking clue why! Quite frankly, I’m about ready to give up blogging. I’m sick and tired of these stupid idiots offering me $5 to publish a post for them – bitch keep your damn lunch money – even with my authorities down I am STILL worth more than THAT. I stopped being nice and sweet in my emails too. You come at me disrespectful with some b.s. like that I’m gonna send you an email and tell you exactly what I think of you and your b.s. offer. I don’t have the time to “work the blog” like I used to … which I knew was going to happen when I started working. By the time I get home in the evenings it’s after 6 PM and then there’s dinner to cook (because Lord knows nobody acts as though they can cook dinner themselves around here or cook for ME for a change) and some nights I just say screw it, fend for yourselves. On the weekends Aubree is here and I don’t do ANYTHING when she’s here but play with HER.
So dear readers, that’s what has been going on the past several weeks, months in the land of suckdom which is my life right now. Aren’t you glad you stopped by for a visit? Feel free to commiserate and share your suckdom in the comments below if you want!
P.S. I’m not having a mental breakdown, so no need to call the local Crisis Center … I’m just venting and blowing off steam. Thanks for caring though!
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